Miami is for real

The hurricane has come and gone, and unfortunately it didn't sweep away all the MTV people with it. So far this weekend has only confirmed my suspicion that celebrity-dom seems to be a well-organized plot by a cabal of very good looking midgets to get free drinks. They are all so short. Last night I was at a bar that got shut down when "Taboo" from the Black Eyed Peas got in a fight. Someone I was out with got himself peripherally involved, in a drunk inept way, but at least he didn't take off his shirt. Somebody definitely took his shirt off, at which point Jessica Simpson was whisked away by what looked like a body guard detail dressed up as county sheriffs. Anyway, we left.

We were on the Beach but my car was back in Miami, and as we drove back across the causeway we suddenly got pulled over by no less than six cop cars with lights flashing, more cars arriving, it seemed, with every minute. With their guns drawn, speaking into a bullhorn, they made each of us, one by one, exit the car with our hands up, walk backwards away from the car and then kneel in the middle of the highway. Then we were handcuffed, given a pat down (mine by a lady cop in shorts), and put in the back of a squad car.

I happened to be wearing cowboy boots and sat next to a pizza box. The squad car smelled like pizza. The lady cop asked me where I was coming from, I answered "The Shore Club." She said "The Shore Club?" and then asked if anyone had gotten into a fight. I said that yes, somebody with us had gotten in a little argument. She asked where the weapons were. I said, "The weapons?" And from there, I guess, it was determined that no, we weren't the same white SUV whose passengers had apparently shot at some cops earlier that evening. Someone told the cops I worked for the New Times and they were like, "At least you can't say it was racial profiling."

They unhandcuffed us and we went and ate some empanadas at La Carreta. Fortunately nobody was asked to take a breathalyzer test. It was 4:45 in the morning and they closed the highway down to one lane in the process of taking us down. I've never had a gun aimed at me, let alone like ten.